I have to admit, I'm having a really hard time with this and I know that goes double for my husband and triple for Kevin's son, two daughters, parents and sisters. I think the 4th of July holiday will forever be ugly for us. At 28 years of age, I've never lost anyone close to me before. I can't even explain the shock I felt when I heard the words of Matthew's sister come across his voicemail on speaker on Friday afternoon, "Matt, Kevin just died." I don't know what else she said. We looked at one another and I said to him, "Did I just hear that right?"
I wonder why I felt shocked? We knew Kevin was ill. We knew he was getting worse. He had been sick for a long time and suffered greatly over it, mentally and physically. I guess we just never expected it to come so soon. His joking, helpful, caring nature lead us to the wrongfully secure assumption that everything was all right. The last time I saw him was at my graduation party and I'm so shamefully sorry to say that I didn't talk to him much. There were so many other people to talk to and he left early because he had another engagement. Had I of known it would be the last time I would see him, he would have been the only one invited. Despite the accuracy of hindsight, it is ugly and painful.
Kevin was my brother. Maybe not by birth, but he ended up in that place when our paths crossed when I became Matthew's wife. Even after he and Matthew's sister divorced, he was always there. He used to constantly ask us, "I'm still your brother, right Matt?" or "I'm still your brother and the kids' uncle, right Chala?" We always assured him repeatedly that we still considered him such. When we talked to the kids about him we still referred to him as "Uncle Kevin".
There are a lot of things it will be hard to do without remembering Kevin. He has always, always helped us move. We are moving again soon and it won't be his help that we miss, but rather his joking nature that always kept us sane while trying to move a large household. Kevin introduced Matthew to rock climbing (with vehicles) and muddin'. Now, Matthew doesn't have someone to do that with. Every year when we would get deep snow, I knew that Kevin would be the first one Matthew would call and likewise when a car repair was needed. The last time they fixed one of our vehicles they put spark plugs in the van. It was early Sunday morning and I made them breakfast while they worked. I know Kevin loved our kids. I think Kevin loved all kids and he was so good with them. And there is so much more.
He is missed so much. I was out driving Tuesday morning; the morning after his visitation and before his funeral that afternoon. I usually enjoy driving around by myself without the noise of the kids in the background. I talk to the Lord, I enjoy this planet that He gave us, I listen to Christian teachings on the radio. But, yesterday morning everything seemed less vibrant than usual. I remembered how I've heard people say that the world seems a little less bright when you lose someone. I don't think it seems darker, I think it actually is. I don't think that brightness will come back. Kevin took it to heaven with him when his soul departed the earthly body that had failed him for so long on Friday June 29, 2012. I won't see those colors again until I enter the kingdom of heaven.
Like I said, I've never lost someone close to me before. It really makes you reflect. I still believe in the Lord, I still know He is good. I know He is good because a few weeks before Kevin died he found out he had cancer. He didn't tell anyone except his oldest daughter. After all the pain he had already gone through with his sickness, watching him suffer through cancer would have been horrendous. The Lord is good and He took Kevin home before he had to suffer any more than he already had.
Still I reflect. I started wondering about death; what happens immediately after it? As a Christian, I should have an answer to that question. What is heaven like? I know the Bible gives us some limited information about it, but as a relatively new Christian, I've never looked it up. I think I've never looked it up in detail because I have no fear of death; when I die I'm not going to have to deal with this crap on earth any more, only joy in heaven and the face of the Lord. So, as soon as my classes are over this week I've decided to go on a quest for information about it. Partially for my own benefit, partially for the benefit of others who might be grieving. It bothers me that I don't know if Kevin can hear Matthew or I. Does he know we miss him? He had so little self-esteem, I want him to know we all MISS him. Does he care about those he left behind? Will he know who we are when we join him? I need to find the Biblical answers to these things so that I can cope as my life goes on and I loose others, perhaps others even closer to me than Kevin was. I don't care if the answers I find are in line with what I hope for or not, as long as they are the correct, Biblical answers. Because I know God's plan is better than mine.
I don't know who thinks immortality would be awesome. Even as I'm missing Kevin I think such a person is lacking some sense. Life is tiring and hurtful. As life goes on more and more people that you love will depart for (hopefully) heaven. Why would you want to stay here? The Bible says that we long for home. "For indeed in this house we groan, longing to be clothed with our dwelling from heaven;" (2 Corinthians 5:2) I do. I want to be home. One day I will be, but that is in the Lord's time. Right now I still have His work to do. Kevin's work was finished. He is so happy and free right now. His pain is gone, and hopefully God gave him a Jeep to tear around the rock piles in heaven. He never was able to have the kind of Jeep he deserved while living. I do know that our personalities are part of our soul and so I'm sure Kevin is telling Moses stupid jokes and relating obscure facts he learned about wars. God made him that way. In all things, praise the Lord. I don't understand God's timing in this. I know Kevin's kids must really be confused by it all, as he will now miss some of their major milestones in life; graduation, marriage, kids. But I know that God loves Kevin more than we do, and only has his, and everyone's, best interests at heart.
"No
longer will there be a curse upon anything. For the throne of God and
of the Lamb will be there, and his servants will worship him. And they will see his face, and his name will be written on their foreheads. And
there will be no night there—no need for lamps or sun—for the Lord God
will shine on them. And they will reign forever and ever." (Rev. 22:3-5 NLT)
In Memory of
Harold Kevin Keithley
August 1, 1970 ~ June 29, 2012
Kevin and Matthew after playing in the mud; 2003In Memory of
Harold Kevin Keithley
August 1, 1970 ~ June 29, 2012
